Mind Reader
by TheMegajellibean
Summary: Toshiro gets the ability to read minds, and sets out on a mission across the Seireitei. Please review, my first fanfic so be nice
1. Chapter 1

Mind Reader

**Disclaimer – I do not own Bleach. If I did Byakuya would have his shirt off a lot more often.**

This story takes place right after the Soul Society Arc, in that nice peaceful period before the Bount Arc.

Toshiro glanced at the alarm clock, and then cursed silently at the ungodly hour. Damn Rangiku. He could hear her shouting about something or other from the couch she had passed out on. Surely there was a limit to how drunk one person could get. Groggily he stumbled out of bed, wholly concentrating on dragging her into a cupboard and locking her there. Walking into his office he expected to see her running around, waving her arms in a frenzy whilst yelling at an imaginary person. However he found her curled up on the sofa, a serene look on her face – but that couldn't be right. After all he could still hear her drunken voice ranting. As he got closer his vision started to fade, being replaced with static, but he continued to push through. Slowly images started forming, namely a completely naked Lieutenant Kira wearing bunny ears and chasing what appeared to be a golden egg.

Withdrawing in horror, Toshiro pinched himself to check he wasn't dreaming. Before he had the chance to panic he remembered that several hours earlier he had taken medicine from Kurotsuchi, which he claimed to be 'a cure for the common cold'. Toshiro had been plagued by annoying sneezing fits and coughs for weeks, and after being told there was nothing to be done by Unohana, had turned to the infamously insane captain of the 12th Division. Mayuri had been happy with the thought of a new research subject, and had offered Toshiro an experimental cure, along with warnings of possible symptoms. Seemed this must be one of them.

Tentatively, for fear of what he might see, Toshiro once again delved into what appeared to be Rangiku's subconsciousness. Thankfully Izuru was now wearing pants, and was standing next to – WHAT? Toshiro reared back in horror, for he had just witnessed him, Captain Hitsugaya, wearing a pink kitty costume (complete with ears and tail) singing I'm a little teapot, and holding a golden egg – What the hell was with the egg? He was about to reach for his zanpakutō, which was laying on his desk, before realizing it may be a bit unfair to kill an unconscious and unarmed woman. No, he would just have to wait for her to wake up. Sliding his zanpakutō into its sheath he slid back the door, preparing to set out across the Seireitei. His goal was to reach the 12th squad's barracks and question Mayuri on this most unlikely of symptoms – the ability to read thoughts.

**Sorry, this is a pretty short chapter, but the next one will be longer, I promise. Please review, and any scenario's you want to see happen, any thoughts you want to see read, I will try to include them. **


	2. Chapter 2

Mind Reader

**Disclaimer – Nothing has changed, I STILL don't own Bleach, no matter how hard I try…**

The 10th division and 12th Division barracks were on opposite sides of the Seireitei, and as Toshiro was in a hurry to rid himself of his new found ability, he decided to brave the shortest, and therefore the most popular route. Although he in no way wanted to run into anyone (and could anyone blame him after what he saw in Rangiku's head?) he didn't feel too worried, considering it had only just turned 6am. The sound of his shoes hitting the wooden slats beneath him filled the quiet night air. He supposed he could shun-po to the12th division, but it would be a shame to rush on such a peaceful night.

A gentle breeze rustled his shihakusho (soul reaper outfit), and the sky was still a deep navy, stretching above him endlessly. He felt himself relaxing and he began pondering his predicament. What irony, that after everything that had happened he now been granted the ability to read minds. If only he had this gift before Aizen's betrayal, so many things could have been avoided. Momo could have been saved so much grief. Damn Kurotsuchi, why didn't he mention he had something like this before? That would be on the top of his things to ask when he arrived at the Shinigami Research and Development Institute. Whilst he was thinking the sun had slowly risen over the horizon, casting a golden light over everything and turning the sky into an ethereal shade of pale blue.

Toshiro was deep in thought so he didn't realize he could hear another pair of footsteps. Too late he snapped out of his own world, in time to see a shadowy figure approaching – the outline of a haori (captain's coat) clearly visible. Great, he couldn't flash step past a captain, that would be incredibly rude. As the figure got closer he could tell who it was. Toshiro stifled a sigh, he had been so stupid assuming no-one would be out at this time of the morning – it was common knowledge that Captain Unohana was an early riser.

It could be worse, Toshiro thought, after all Unohana was so calm, her thoughts wouldn't be interesting. Who better to practice controlling his power on than her? Preparing himself, he stopped opposite Unohana, ready for the mandatory pleasantries. The static overwhelmed him, though not as completely as it had done with Rangiku. In fact he was still managing to keep a thread on the conversation.

"Good morning Captain Hitsugaya"

"Good morning Captain Unohana, how are you this morning?"

"Oh very good thank you – it must be the weather, such a beautiful morning…"

And so it continued. To Unohana, Hitsugaya looked cool, calm and collected – which was truly miraculous since on the inside he was in complete disbelief. He was torn between vomiting and laughing manically at Unohana's thoughts. She….liked…..Captain Kuchiki? But that couldn't be right – he had the emotional range of a cactus. But there was no way he could mistake what he was seeing, there it was clear as day. Now, Toshiro had only a basic knowledge about Greek mythology, after all that was a thing humans were interested in. However he knew enough to understand – yet at the same time so completely NOT understand – what he was seeing. Which was Byakuya Kuchiki dressed as Zeus, posing shirtless with a lightning bolt. Toshiro couldn't keep his hysterics in any longer, his mouth was twitching unbearably and his eyes were filling with barely suppressed tears.

"I'm sorry Captain Unohana, but I must leave", and with no other explanation but that Toshiro was off. Unohana stared after him, completely at a loss as to what was bothering him. Out of sight from Unohana, Toshiro was clutching his sides and he howled uncontrollably, laughter shaking his entire body. Before he could make too much of a scene Toshiro decided to find somewhere more secluded, so with tears streaming down his face he headed for the forest – leaving several bemused soul reapers to wonder whatever had made the normally somber Captain of the 10th Division laugh so.

**Hi, I know this chapter wasn't very long but homework is getting ridiculous and it took so long to update because fanfiction was being stubborn and kept saying there was an error…. However it's up now, no matter how long it took – and once again please post any idea's you have, and reviews always brighten my day :D **


	3. Chapter 3

Mind Reader

**Disclaimer – No surprise, I still don't own Bleach. I mean I own some posters and some manga and Gin – wait no….. not the last one**

**I want to thank the0blind0writer for giving me many awesome ideas, which have given me inspiration. In fact I'm going to give love to all ye folks who gave me reviews, keep 'em coming – they make my day and every time I get one I spontaneously break out into my own personal lucky dance – crap now I have to add Ikkaku to my disclaimer…**

Chapter 3

The sun had risen, and with it came a scolding heat – but under cover of the forest canopy Toshiro was perfectly comfortable. His laughing fit had ended eventually (though his mouth still twitched occasionally), and he was now making his way through the shaded undergrowth to the 12th division. Meeting Unohana had provided quite the distraction, but now he was focused solely on his task, and when he finally met with Kurotsuchi his first demand would be for complimentary therapy - it was becoming more and more likely Toshiro would be traumatized after this experience, and it was all that damn clown's fault.

Just then the ground started shaking, gradually at first but fast becoming violent. Was it an earthquake? But Toshiro could see the Senzaikyū and surrounding buildings from where he stood, and they appeared to be completely unaffected. The earthquake couldn't be confined just to this area could it? Jumping to the top of the huge tree next to him, Toshiro peered out across the Seireitei searching for the cause of the shake.

Directly opposite from Toshiro was a wide field, approximately an acre across. And sprinting across that field, arms waving frantically in the air and screaming at the top of his lungs was the substitute soul reaper Ichigo Kurosaki. Kurosaki had been recovering in the 11th Division barracks, and it was common knowledge that Zaraki was desperate for a fight with him – but Kenpachi wasn't the one chasing Ichigo. No, chasing Ichigo was a completely naked Yoruichi, hair flying in the wind whilst she scrunched her face up into a kissy face. But that wasn't what interested Hitsugaya - what he was focusing on was the figure barely visible amongst the bushes at the far side of the field. A crouching Suì-Fēng with binoculars glued to her eyes and a lecherous smile painted on her face.

Grinning to himself, Toshiro flash stepped over to the hedge. He knew he shouldn't approach her – especially with the mind reading ability he possessed at the moment – but he couldn't possibly pass up the opportunity of humiliating Suì-Fēng. Hitsugaya liked to think of himself as a fair person, who would never seek to intentionally embarrass others – but she was just so….. aggravating. She waltzed around all day, nose stuck in the air, bad-mouthing anyone who got in her way – not that her Lieutenant didn't deserve it sometimes. Everyone knew her weakness was Yoruichi, but he didn't know she liked her in THAT way. Armed with excellent ammo, and praying that he could hold off the static long enough to mock her, he stepped in front of Suì-Fēng.

"Why Captain, what an odd place for you to be standing"

It would be a complete understatement to say that Suì-Fēng was surprised; the face she pulled when Toshiro spoke resembled that of a baby whose candy had suddenly been stolen. Her eyes widened and it was clear she was frantically racking her brain for an excuse, whilst determinedly trying to avoid meeting Toshiro's eyes.

"Well, yes I was just….looking for my Lieutenant"

"Hmmm, but isn't Ōmaeda away on a mission to the world of the living?"

Terror flitted across Suì-Fēng's usually composed expression, and she cursed her foolishness – her stupid Lieutenant wasn't even useful when he was away from her. Meanwhile Toshiro had been having too much fun to bother controlling his ability, and the static attacked him with sudden force. Crap.

In Suì-Fēng's head there was a huge black castle made up mostly of one long room devoid of anything aside from a few key pieces of furniture (one of them being a throne), and a group of people. Upon the throne sat Suì-Fēng twirling her mustache (I kid you not, a mustache) deviously and laughing at the others in the room. Kneeling on the floor, arms held up in defeat, were the remaining Captains. There was Kyōraku, and Ukitake, and Kuchiki (who appeared to be wearing a red bikini….) - and there was Toshiro himself. Toshiro supposed he would never get used to seeing himself reversed, as opposed to how he looked in the mirror, and he thought it might take even longer if he kept seeing himself in kitty costumes. This one was different to the other, and strongly resembled Yoruichi, but it still led Toshiro to the same question – why the hell was he always put in the cat costume? It could be worse he supposed, many of the other Captains had it much harder, including a severely bludgeoned Shunsui, a neutered Kenpachi (at this point Toshiro seriously wished for needles to poke his eyes out with – truly that sort of image will stay with you for the rest of your life), and a shaved Komamura (likewise but at least he still had all his parts). Somewhere in the back of his mind Toshiro noted that the Captains suffering the worst treatment where the tallest – was this Suì-Fēng's personal 'Short man complex'? However Toshiro wouldn't stick around to find out; the vomit building in his throat at the sight of Kenpachi (seriously, just imagine it) wouldn't stay down for much longer, and spilling his guts in front of Suì-Fēng would ruin any impression of superiority he had managed to create.

Without even looking in her direction, Toshiro flash stepped back into the depths of the forest, all the while cursing the twisted minds of Mayuri Kurotsuchi and Suì-Fēng.

**If you hadn't noticed so far every chapter will try to include a scantily clad Byakuya, what can I say – I'm a romantic. Please Review. Go on…. You know you want to…**


	4. Chapter 4

Mind Reader

**Disclaimers – I still don't own bleach - I'm being totally serious, see no witty comment or anything…**

**Okay, I had to tweak the Bleach storyline a little, mostly the fact that Momo is still in a coma at this point. Call it artistic license… or, you know, just messing up the story a bit…**

Toshiro was feeling strange.

And not just because of what he had seen in Suì-Fēng's brain. His head hurt, and his slim frame had ever so slightly started shaking. He thrust his hands into his pockets, clenching his jaw in an attempt to stop the pounding in his head, or at least lessen it. No such luck. He would just have to hurry to Mayuri's. There had been far too many distractions already. He pushed his speed to a run, darting amongst the bushes, faster and faster, until his vision blurred and his feet gave way beneath him He ended up collapsed against a tree. Damn it. No matter how hard he tried he couldn't seem to flash step. Sighing, he began the steady walk to the 12th Division.

After about 10 minutes of relative silence and painfully slow walking a noise, quiet at first but growing louder, could be heard. It was different to when Yoruichi and Ichigo had run past – this had a rhythm, although it was a rhythm completely different to anything Toshiro had ever heard before. Every beat of the music – was that what it was? – made Toshiro's head thump in agony. 'Don't worry', he told himself, 'it will soon go'. It didn't.

Instead it grew louder, centering itself around the third company barracks. Toshiro knew he shouldn't go, but if he continued he would have to listen to that noise for at least another 20 minutes until he got far enough away. And Hitsugaya was sure his head would explode if that damn music didn't stop. It would only take 2 minutes, he reasoned, and it would save him a lot of pain. Turning into the third division barracks he followed the noise to the recently deserted captain's office.

In the office, gathered around what appeared to be a stereo, was a large group. Of course Toshiro remembered to stay on the other side of the room as to not hear any thoughts – see, he was learning. When he entered everyone looked up ant Toshiro noted the faces. There was Lieutenant Kira (no surprise there), his own Lieutenant, Rangiku – Wait, wasn't she supposed to be doing paperwork? – Lieutenant Hisagi, Third seat Madarame, Fifth seat Ayasegawa and Lieutenant Abarai.

"What. Are. You. Doing?"

Toshiro had lost every ounce of patience he had ever owned. The noise was unbearably loud, and the steady thumping in his head had progressed to elephants.

"Oh, hi Captain! We're just listening to music – it's from the world of the living!" Rangiku grinned

"Yeah, it's great!" Renji chipped in

At that moment it was difficult for Toshiro to not crush every one of their smiling faces. He reserved himself instead to grumbling, staring at the open doorway behind him,

"Doesn't sound much like music to me"

"Oh, Lil'Shiro, it's just different!"

Whipping his head round at the sound at that voice, that voice that belonged to his childhood friend, he saw a slim figure step through the crowd.

"Momo, you shouldn't be up"

It was the first time Toshiro had seen Momo out of the hospital, and she looked scarily fragile – as if she could snap at any moment. The fences between them had been slowly mended by rigorous crying sessions (on Hinamori's side obviously) in the fourth division barracks, but an awkward air still hung around the two of them. I was hard to forget, after all, that she had tried to kill him not so long ago.

"Honestly Lil'Shiro, Unohana said I could leave as long as I was careful and returned for regular check-ups"

Hitsugaya's eyebrows twitched

"Don't call me Lil'Shiro. And I'm not sure this noise is good for you"

"Like I said, it's not noise LIL'SHIRO it's just different"

Rangiku, who had somehow managed to stay silent up to this point (and who was obviously pleased by what had passed between her Captain and Hinamori) grinned

"Yeah! But isn't it fantastic, right Hinamori?"

"Of course, although to be truthful I'm not even sure what some of this stuff means"

"Like what? Isn't everything pretty straight forward?" Rangiku frowned

"Well, yeah, but I don't get some of it, like this- "

Momo squinted at the CD case in her hands

"S&M"

"….."

Silence. You could have heard a pin drop. Hell you could have heard an atom drop. The group gathered around Hinamori could only stare, whilst Rangiku's mouth was dangerously close to cracking open with laughter. A bewildered Momo looked around at her friends who had suddenly become statues.

"What did I say?"

Rangiku shakily took the CD from her,

"I'll explain at our next slumber party"

All the males in the room had still not recovered. And probably wouldn't for several months. Finally Hitsugaya remembered where he was and cleared his throat, trying to control the faint blush that was creeping along his neck.

"I'll be going"

And with that he was gone. He walked through the third division in a daze, not really paying attention to where he was going. His headache was still very prominent, and the music was still playing. But no way was he going back in there. Whilst he tried to mentally re-boot himself from shock Hinamori ran after him.

"Wait Lil'Shiro!"

Hitsugaya shut his eyes tight. Please don't ask me please don't ask me please don't ask me please….

"I want to apologize!"

Please don't ask me please don't ask me..

"Lil'Shiro?"

Please I'll do anything don't ask me what S&M is

"LIL'SHIRO? Are you listening to me? I want to apologize again for not trusting you!"

Wait – she's not going to ask me! Thank God, no thank Zeus, hear that Byakuya? The fact she wasn't going to ask him on the wonders of S&M had made Toshiro giddy with relief. And who wouldn't? Pulling himself together he forced himself to turn to Hinamori with a serious expression.

"But Momo, you've apologized enough"

"Still….I'm so sorry…"

Her eyes welled up with tears and Toshiro grew concerned. After all, she was practically a sister to him. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he had the chance she flung herself at him, laying her head on his chest. Toshiro panicked. This was way too close! Her thoughts! But when the static arrived it didn't bring images with it, instead black swirls filled with clouds and darkness. His eyes widened in shock and he pulled away from Momo. Wasn't she recovering?

"Get back to the fourth division Hinamori"

"Honestly, I'm fine…."

She glanced up, and something in the Tenth division captain's face stopped her from arguing. Instead she wiped her eyes and nodded.

"I will Lil'Shiro….. and thanks"

She turned and hurried away. Toshiro stared after her. Those clouds could mean one of two things – either Momo was in serious trouble – or Toshiro's powers were fading. He prayed it was the latter. In fact he couldn't even bring himself to think of the alternative. He turned and started walking, only to be stopped by a shout,

"Wait Lil'Shiro! I forgot – what's S&M?"

The entire third division poked their heads out of their windows and stared at Hinamori. And it was only Hinamori, because upon hearing the question, Toshiro had suddenly recovered the will to flash-step, and had run away.

**And there it is, longest chapter yet actually. Sorry for slow updating, GCSE'S etc. But I did it. For you. Because I love you. Yes I do. Seriously. Marry me?**


	5. Chapter 5

Mind reader

**Disclaimer – I don't own Bleach, apart from the bottle under my kitchen sink….see what I did there? **

**Thank you for all my lovely reviews, although most of them were asking what S&M is - to that I recommend you Google it, I am far too innocent to mention such a thing *receives many disbelieving looks*.**

Chapter 5

Byakuya's POV

How am I supposed to get any paperwork done with all this noise going on?

He and his Lieutenant had been completing files and forms together in respectful silence for the past half an hour, ever since he got back from his 'meeting' with Matsumoto (at least Renji had claimed it was a meeting, Byakuya had other suspicions). However Renji's interest had been waning for the last few minutes, even more so than it usually did. When Rukia arrived it was obvious why. Byakuya massaged his temple with his left hand, whilst the other gripped his ink pen (a wonderful gift from the calligraphy society) tightly. How could two people be so loud? Surely it wasn't possible.

"Renji, you may leave"

Renji's face was a mixture of surprise, pleasure and suspicion.

"Are you sure Kuchiki-taicho?"

"Yes, you're not exactly helping"

Renji grinned sheepishly before standing – if he got time off work he was hardly going to argue, and he had only been working for a few minutes…his lucky day.

"C'mon Rukia"

"Are you sure Nii-sama?"

Byakuya simply waved his hand, still clutching his pen. Rukia bowed respectfully (although maybe a little too formally) before running to the door and holding it open for her best friend. Grinning she nodded her head towards him,

"Ladies first"

"Beast before beauty"

"No pain no gain"

"Wait – what pain?"

Boy did Renji regret asking that when she punched him hard in the arm and he crumpled to the floor.

"Hey Rukia! I'm going to get you for that!"

Clambering up he followed after his small, black-haired friend who had vanished, clutching onto his arm and wailing. Byakuya, who was left alone in his office shook his head slowly and stood. The lack of sound felt foreign to his ears, not that he was complaining. After pouring himself some tea he returned to his chair and settled down to finish his paperwork.

For about an hour it was complete quiet, interrupted only by the scribbling of his pen across the stacks of paper. He had gotten down to the last few sheets when something suddenly crashed through his door, sending splinters flying in every direction. Through the clouds of settling dust a small figure could be seen… a figure approximately 4'4" tall.

"Hitsugaya?"

What was he doing here? And why in the name of the Soul Society had he crashed through Byakuya's door? As Toshiro stepped through the – well… what used to be a door, but now resembled a hole – Byakuya had to work to keep the emotionless expression on his face. The 10th division captain looked horrible. His naturally light skin was deathly pale, and his snowy hair stuck up wildly, the fair tendrils capped with rubble.

"Bya – Byakuya….you…you…"

Reaching forward he grabbed the front of Byakuya's shihakusho (no mean feat when you're 4'4") and leant into his ear

"You…you're…you're Zeus…"

And with that he burst into hysterical giggles, high peals of laughter that seemed so ill-fitting with his normal temperament. Well, he must be delusional, Byakuya thought, that's the only explanation. In what way could he be Zeus? It was one of the most ridiculous things he had ever heard, and in ordinary circumstances, would have no trouble saying this to Hitsugaya. However, since Hitsugaya seemed to have completely lost his sanity, Byakuya decided to go easy on him (and would not mention Hitsugaya's use of his first name).

"I really do not know what you are referring to Hitsugaya-taicho, but I can assure you I am in no way Zeus."

There, that ought to do it, nice and gentle, not cruel in the least. Now, he should probably call Unohana over to get her to look at Hitsugaya (not to mention a carpenter to get a look at the door).

"Uno…hana…"

Ah, it seemed as if him and the delusional captain were on the same page, well in that case, he should find-

"Unohana wants you Bya-kun", Toshiro's voice dropped to a whisper, "in her bed!"

Byakuya half expected to hear the manic laughter, but Toshiro's face was as serious and expressionless as his own usually was.

"Hitsugaya-taicho, I strongly suggest you sit down"

"No, no, no, no, you're not listening, she wants you – I've seen it. She thinks you look like Zeus, and she likes you with your top off, and she wants you with a lightning bolt, and she loves you"

"What…? Toshiro, what are you talking about?"

"I read her thoughts! She was talking to me and then everything went blurry, and then you were naked in her head!"

Byakuya was startled (under-statement of the century). What Toshiro (considering he had called Byakuya 'Bya-kun', he was no longer operating under the polite titles) was saying was completely preposterous – Unohana, being in love with him? That couldn't be the truth, she was always so composed and silent…not so unlike himself he supposed. And yes, occasionally he had caught her looking at him, but he had always assumed she was just thinking about things, and her eyes were only settled on him accidently. Although there was that one time… when he had been practicing with his Senbonzakura and had looked up to see her eyes hungrily raking over his body... no. It was completely ridiculous to think such thoughts, it was completely impossible to even think Unohana may like him – and, of course, the whole 'mind reading ' thing was pretty unbelievable too.

"Toshiro, you must be mistaken-"

"NO!" Bam went the chair "I AM RIGHT GOD DAMMIT" and there was the upturned table "MAYURI GAVE ME CRACK AND NOW I READ MINDS"

Mayuri Kurotsuchi- a drug dealer? That was a new one, although not completely surprising. Byakuya doubted it was crack, but if Mayuri really HAD given Toshiro something maybe the 10th Captain was speaking some truth. Summoning a Hell Butterfly, Kuchiki thought hard before recording his message. Hurrying (mostly due to the small boy in the corner of his room rocking back and forth in the fetal position), Byakuya sent it to Unohana, Kurotsuchi and Matsumoto.

Spanning across the Seireitei, from the fourth division healing Centre, to Kurotsuchi's lab, to Matsumoto's favourite pub, a Hell Butterfly sought them out and delivered them a very important message.

"_Attention to Kurotsuchi-taicho, Unohana-taicho and Matsumoto-fukutaicho. This is an urgent message from the Taicho of Division Six. Hitsugaya-taicho is suffering from a mental issue, possibly caused by rogue medicine delivered by Kurotsuchi-taicho. This is serious, I believe Hitsugaya is at risk of a complete breakdown, and amongst his symptoms appear to be the ability to… read minds. Please hurry to the Sixth Division's barracks at once, and report to my office. Thank you, Kuchiki Byakuya."_

"Well..." Kurotsuchi said to Nemu "This should be interesting"

**Damn it, I think my next chapter may be my last – but no fear, I have a new story up (well, only the first chapter) and I would love it if some people checked it out. I'm really sorry for the late upload, but thankfully I have now finished my exams and all I have to look forward to is work experience, so I will probably upload more frequently. As always I would love if you reviewed, but beggars can't be choosers right? **


	6. Chapter 6

Mind Reader

**Disclaimer – I don't own Bleach… if I did do you really think I would be writing fanfiction?**

Rangiku Matsumoto was just about to pour that first drop of sweet sake down her throat, after a long hard day of doing nothing, when the hell butterfly arrived. She had been sitting on the tall crooked bar stool, chatting flirtatiously with the bartender, reveling in the fact she had managed to outwit her Captain once again and avoid her paperwork - when the small winged messenger signaled the end of her fun and put her in a bitter mood. Damn… It was probably from her Captain; she should have known better than hiding the stacks of unsigned forms under her futon – maybe she could have put them in her secret sake store? Sighing, she turned slowly on her stool, resigned to her fate of all work and no play. Waving forward the beautiful (yet hugely annoying) swallowtail butterfly, she listened to the message with growing horror.

"_Attention to Kurotsuchi-taicho, Unohana-taicho and Matsumoto-fukutaicho. This is an urgent message from the Taicho of Division Six. Hitsugaya-taicho is suffering from a mental issue, possibly caused by rogue medicine delivered by Kurotsuchi-taicho. This is serious, I believe Hitsugaya is at risk of a complete breakdown, and amongst his symptoms appear to be the ability to… read minds. Please hurry to the Sixth Division's barracks at once, and report to my office. Thank you, Kuchiki Byakuya."_

Her Captain… able to read minds? But, that was just unfair! She would never get away with _anything_ ever again! Say bye-bye to fun, because a mind reading Toshiro Hitsugaya… the images were too horrible to even imagine. She would sit at a desk all day, signing countless forms whilst her paper-pushing Captain found every bottle of alcohol hidden around the office and saw through every excuse. Groaning internally she pushed herself up from the chipped barstool, slammed her money down on the surface in front of her, and slouched through the door. As she walked down the cobbled streets on the outskirts of the Seireitei, her mind ran through the message again. "_Suffering… mental issue… complete breakdown"._

Oh no_. _

She had been so focused on the mind-reading; she had completely ignored the rest of the notice. Rangiku was well aware she complained about her Captain a lot - but she truly cared about him; he was practically family to her. How could she have been so selfish? Breaking into a run, she flash-stepped through the narrow passages, her forehead creased with worry.

On the other side of the Seireitei, Captain Unohana was rushing through the fourth division barracks. When she had first received the message from Byakuya she had been hoping it was an invite for a secret and romantic rendezvous; the reality, although disappointing in comparison, was still urgent and interesting enough to cause her to leave straight away. Besides, who was she to keep Hitsugaya-taicho (and Byakuya-taicho, the traitorous part of her mind whispered) waiting?

Hurrying through the night blackened streets, hands thrust together inside the long sleeves of her haori, she mused on the peculiarity she was faced with. Mind-reading? Surely it was impossible. Then again… when Kurotsuchi-taicho was involved, nothing stayed impossible for long. That man, he simply didn't know how to stop meddling. Messing with a person's mind like that - when would he learn there were limits? Through her righteous indignation, a small section of her (the curious part; the part that had originally pushed her to study healing and medicine) couldn't help but be impressed. Kurotsuchi had truly overstepped the boundaries with this one. She shook any and all thoughts from her mind; meaningless philosophy was getting her nowhere. Bending her willowy neck forward to look at the slanted boards beneath her, she picked up her pace and scurried through the streets – heart pounding with every step that bought her closer to her beloved.

Mayuri Kurotsuchi, Chief of the Shinigami Research and Development Institute, was carefully testing the effects of different acids (the strength and potency ranging from severe upwards) on slices of Shinigami flesh he had been religiously collecting. Not that he believed in religion of course - he scoffed at the idea of some higher entity controlling people's actions. No, the only person controlling his actions was _him_. As he watched the pale skin burn and sizzle before his eyes, he wondered briefly on the beauty science could create – the subtle flaking as acid eats away at a person, the way gamma radiation can mutate cells so viciously… so _wonderfully_. Then he was straight onto wondering which would be the best acid to inject Nemu with. He really did have to test it on an active soul; of course it would probably kill her, but he could always just fix the destroyed organs.

"Nemu you idiot, get over here now"

He started searching for the necessary straps to secure her to the cold steel operating table in the middle of the lab. Nemu Kurotsuchi walked hesitantly towards her father, head bowed down respectably.

"Yes, Mayuri-sama"

Mayuri was too busy searching to reply to her, instead he just gestured at the table in front of him with his one long fingernail, the blue nail varnish applied perfectly. Nemu nodded quickly, then lay down on the bare frame, arms dutifully pinned to her sides. Before he had the chance, however, to clip her down, a hell butterfly appeared before him.

"Damn it" He growled, tempted to twist his experiment slightly so he could test the effects of the acid on swallowtail butterflies. Grimacing at the rant the Head Captain was bound to give him, he snapped at the messenger.

"What the hell do you _want_?_"_

Byakuya's recorded message filled the lab, the content of which even caused Nemu to sit up without her master's permission. Mind-reading? Mayuri's grin could barely fit on his painted face.

"Well..." Kurotsuchi said to Nemu "This should be interesting"

Byakuya was panicking. Of course you would never know to look at him, and _panicking _was hardly seemly for a noble. However the shaking Captain in the corner, rocking back and forth in a ball, was slowly starting to get to him. It had been over 10 minutes since he had sent out his message, and 5 minutes since he had given up trying to converse with the shell of a Shinigami in his office. Now he was sat awkwardly in his wooden chair, pen tapping furiously against the table. _Where were they? _It wasn't as if they were travelling from the Rukongai, it should barely have taken them more than 2 minutes. Suddenly Lieutenant Matsumoto crashed through the hole her Captain had made in his wall not an hour earlier, her breath coming quickly, chest dangerously close to escaping her shihakusho. Byakuya's expression didn't change; he simply glanced at Rangiku, and then wearily pointed to the boy crying in the corner.

Matsumoto, cheeks flushed from her mad dash across the Seireitei, hurried towards her superior. She was amazed; she would never have thought it possible to see her Captain looking so completely _vulnerable. _Her heart went out to him immediately, and she hurried to close those few steps between them, when suddenly Hitsugaya opened his mouth and started yelling,

"Naked Izuruuuu! NAKED IZURU! Oh God he's so NAKED"

Rangiku immediately whipped her head around, searching frantically for a naked Kira in the office. The only thing she saw, however, was Kuchiki-taicho sitting in his chair - back ridged and eyes wide as he stared at Rangiku. Wait… why would he be looking at _her? _It's not like she had anything to do with it. Unless… was this? No. It couldn't be. Mind reading? But that was ridiculous! She wasn't even thinking about Kira right now! Much less a _nude _Kira. I mean, it's not like she would have _minded_ seeing Izuru in a state of undress…

"AHHHH GOD NO PLEASE STOP!"

Rangiku backed away quickly; as soon as she got a couple of feet away from her Captain he stopped shouting and buried his head in his arms, mumbling constantly under his breath. She glanced towards Kuchiki-taicho, and found him still studying her with a cold, callous look. Blush rose in her cheeks as she realized why he was looking at her - how would she ever be able to face him again? Then she remembered – she was _Rangiku Matsumoto. _How dare he try and intimidate her? She pulled her shoulders back, held her head high and met his gaze directly. It's not like he didn't have any secrets – who knows what went on in that polished, noble brain of his. He didn't look away from her stony eyes, meeting them with an apathetic and indifferent stare. It was entirely possible that they would have remained like that for all eternity, locked in a staring contest neither one of them would win. They were both relieved when Unohana walked into the office and they could finally look away – although Byakuya's immediate sense of relief was marred somewhat by the thought that the healing Captain was after him romantically. He subconsciously moved his chair away from her, until he was pinned against the far wall.

Unohana, on the other hand, was more than happy to see the object of her longing. However, she, just like him, had practice in hiding her thoughts; all she offered him was a casual nod of recognition. Unfortunately she happened to be in the same room as a thought reading Toshiro Hitsugaya, whose power was growing rapidly.

"Unohana loves Byakuya! She saw him naked once when she was looking through his window and he was in the shower and she took a picture and has it in her room under her bed with all the other pictures she took…"

At this point his words had all run together to create meaningless mumbles, but the damage was done. Unohana simply couldn't bring herself to look in Byakuya's direction; instead she just stared at the floor, wishing that it would hurry up and swallow her quickly. She would take torture, agony, years listening to the Head Captain's speeches, _anything_ other than this. An awful silence filled the room, and whilst Unohana glared at her feet, Byakuya was staring at her in dread. A feel of complete horror filled his entire body. Unohana stalked him. Literally stalked him. And she had seen him naked. His flawless, noble flesh had been seen by eyes he had not permitted to see it. Not only that, but she had pictures. _Pictures._ That she looked at. Regularly. He felt so used, so _violated._ The awkward silence in the room threatened to overwhelm them; all of a sudden they both felt claustrophic, even with the gaping hole in the wall. Rangiku, on the other hand, was having the time of her life. She was alternating between staring at Unohana with an open mouth, and staring at Byakuya with an open mouth. She couldn't believe it. Unohana _loved _Byakuya. That's the first thing Toshiro had said. But even better that that – she had naked pictures of Byakuya.

Rangiku was in shock. Unohana seemed so introverted, so _sexless._ Turned out she was a completely and utterly, for lack of a better word, horny_._ On one hand, Rangiku knew it was weird… on the other hand; she could kind of see the appeal. Byakuya was _hot. _There was no denying that he was physically appealing. And she had pictures. Maybe she would be willing to sell the pictures? Or at least show them to Rangiku…

"She won't give you the pictures Rangiku, she keeps them-"

That was as far as Toshiro got before his Lieutenant jumped on him and smothered his face in her cleavage. His limbs started flailing wildly as Rangiku held his head between her breasts, until his body went limp and she allowed his head to loll backwards until it rested against the wall. After checking he still had a pulse, Rangiku stood up and smoothed back her hair, smiling nonchalantly at the two Captains in the room. Byakuya was suddenly very aware he was trapped in a confined space with two women who wanted to see him naked – and he wanted OUT. He started trying to back his chair THROUGH the wall, but before he could create a substantial hole, Kurotsuchi waltzed through the door. He actually used the door. This fact alone was enough to cause everyone to stop and stare.

"Now this is_ interesting._ Nemu, bring me the drill"

Nemu handed her master the drill, and, grinning like a lunatic, he approached Toshiro, hand raised menacingly in the air.

**Wow, I was really not planning for this chapter to be so long, but when I started writing it, it became pretty difficult to stop. I'll update preeety soon, because I'm epic. It's true. You KNOW it. And don't feel ashamed that you have naked pictures of your crush in the shower. It happens to the best of us. I have a new story up that I've just started, and I'm wondering if I should continue it? It would be great if you could check it out and tell me what you think. And of course, any reviews for this story would be amazing, opinions would be greatly appreciated, and you know I love all that comment.**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer - I don't own Bleach. If I owned Bleach, Yamamoto would have his shirt stapled to his chest. No matter how ripped he is, there is no excuse for seeing that much flesh on a guy that old.**

_-Nemu handed her master the drill, and, grinning like a lunatic, he approached Toshiro, hand raised menacingly in the air._

However, before he had taken two steps, Rangiku (safe in the knowledge that Toshiro was unconscious and therefore unaware of her brain patterns) launched herself at Mayuri. Using her unnaturally large breasts to propel her forward at break neck speed (incidentally a trick she had picked up whilst running from her Captain); she was like a speeding bullet - invisible to the naked eye. Unfortunately for her, Mayuri's eye wasn't naked. He had inserted a thin film over his retina's several hundred years ago. This film acted like a cross between a telescope and a camera - it locked in on Matsumoto's movements and with a quick flick of his wrist, he sent her flying straight through one of Byakuya's previously unharmed walls.

A groan filtered through the freshly made hole in the wall (Byakuya shuddered at the repair work he would have to have done), signaling that Rangiku was, in fact, alive after all. Unohana - never one to waste a good distraction - scurried through the wall after her, and soon the gentle warmth of healing reiatsu filled the room.

With both hormonal females gone, Byakuya suddenly felt a lot like his old self. What did these people think they were doing? He was the 28th Head of the Kuchiki Clan, Squad 6 Captain - and this was _his_ office. How dare these lesser cretins enter his barracks like this, and create such an inappropriate disturbance - in front of a noble no less. Slowly he rose from the chair that had been supporting him throughout the entire ordeal. Shoulders thrown back proudly, chin raised just enough to show he was of a higher class; Byakuya took a step forward -

And fell majestically.

It seemed his legs hadn't recovered from the shocks of the evening, and instead of taking the desired step, he had crumpled to the ground like a faulty house of cards. Mayuri and Nemu both stared at him in amazement; Byakuya was looking equally bemused as he found himself sitting on the floor, not in the least where he was expecting.

It was at moment like these when Mayuri was glad that the fragile lenses covering his eye had a recording function. This footage would be extremely amusing to go over later. But right now, he had a mind reader to experiment on. The thought filled him with a sense of pure joy, and, ecstatic, he turned his full attention back to the job at hand. However, that rush of euphoria that flooded Mayuri's psyche was so strong that it shocked Toshiro's newly evolved brain cells back to life.

Wide eyes snapped open - pupil and iris both completely white, giving the impression that they had disappeared into his skull. The shaking that had previously racked his body was gone, replaced by a steady hum of vibrating energy that seemed to fill Toshiro's being with a serene power. His legs slowly unfurled and his slim body seemed to flat off the floor. Feet planted firmly on the ground, eyes blank and unseeing, he appeared much taller that his 4"4. Even Mayuri, driven insane by desire, halted - so taken aback by the abnormal, _regal_, beauty that stood before him. Glowing white light flowed from him, and wave after wave of pulsating reiatsu filled the room. This tsunami of mutated energy pushed outwards, covering the entire Seireitei in a translucent dome. And inside that dome, many poor souls found their privacy very much infringed upon.

The 'changed' spirit energy emanating from Hitsugaya had an extremely strange effect on those who happened to be in range. Take, for instance, Shunsui and Ukitake, who were in the middle of discussing recent events over a cup of tea. Kneeling on the floor, they had just finished debating about Aizen's betrayal when they paused to gather their thoughts. It was in this silence that Toshiro's wave of energy shot through them. And it was in this silence that Shunsui's voice could clearly be heard to say,

"Ah look at how beautiful; and delicate he looks in that uniform; of course he would look better without it"

Ukitake, who had been halfway through bringing his cup to his lips, stared open mouthed at his best friend - who, to his credit, looked equally shocked. See, although it had obviously been Shunsui's voice that had filled the air, Shunsui had not opened his mouth. It was as if the thought had, quite of its own accord, leapt from his mind and a pair of speakers had bounced it around the room. Ukitake's cheeks flushed a bright crimson, and Shunsui suddenly found himself unable to stop sweating, no matter how cool he usually remained in tricky situations. They remained kneeling, frozen into statues, hoping that if they ignored it they could pretend it never happened. The heavy atmosphere pressed against them, and when Shunsui was unable to bear it anymore, he silently stood and left the room. This left an insanely red Ukitake to become dizzy as the oppressive weight lifted off him, and he allowed himself the truly under-rated luxury of fainting.

Spanning across the Seireitei similar scenes were becoming a common occurrence; Kiyone and Sentarō were arguing over who would bring their Captain him medicine, when they found themselves engaged - quite without even opening their mouths.

Yumichika's peculiar penchant for cross dressing was abruptly revealed to the public - not that anyone was particularly surprised (aside from Ikkaku, who started crying due to the images the confession conjured up).

In a run-down bar near the outskirts of the Seireitei Kenpachi was drinking with Kukkaku Shiba, when his own desire to initiate certain carnal activities with her was broadcast across the room. He threw back his spiked head in ferocious laughter at the wide eyed stares of other bar patrons, before shrugging,

"Well it had to come out sometime"

And grabbing Kukkaku roughly, sticking his tongue down her throat.

Momo suddenly found herself very aware of what S&M was.

Rukia learnt all about Renji's shrine to her brother - complete with paper mâché kenseikan and a collection of cherry blossoms.

Fetishes, rivalries, jealously and relationships were stripped bare in a matter of seconds. There was nowhere to hide. Understandably, panic set in. All those with enough spirit energy to discern the epicenter of the waves did so - and these powerful Captain-class Shinigami set off almost simultaneously towards the 6th Division barracks. Their aim: To figure out what the hell was going on - and more importantly how to stop it.

Back in Byakuya's office things where quickly spiraling out of control. Toshiro's power was growing exponentially, each new bout of energy more powerful than the last. In fact the waves seemed to be solidifying gradually, forming a protective clear dome around him. Hitsugaya was still visible in the middle, palms turned upwards, eyes unblinking. Slowly the transparent barrier started to vibrate and static appeared, causing it to look similar to a television before tuned to a channel. Unbeknownst to those gathered in the office (Rangiku had run back in to check on her Captain as soon as she recovered, and Unohana had no choice but to follow), this was what Toshiro had experienced before receiving a vision in the early stages of his 'condition'. On the cinema sized screen in front of them, the images that Toshiro had seen in the heads of his comrades appeared, pasted together like a badly edited home video. First up was naked Kira with a golden egg, then Toshiro in a bunny outfit (it was actually good he was completely unaware of what was happening, else everything would have gotten a hell of a lot colder), then Byakuya as Zeus and so forth. The group cringed collectively at Suì-Fēng's strangely masochistic imagery, and frowned at Momo's worrying thunderstorm. At this point all remaining Captains crashed through the only remaining intact wall in the crowded room - just in time to see Byakuya's naked body projected on a huge cinema screen across the entire office.

**Ahhh, why am I so cruel to Byakuya? Truthfully it's because, personally, I wouldn't mind seeing his nude form plastered all over **_**my**_** wall. But kidding aside (kidding?), I had much fun writing this chapter even though I couldn't upload it for a while since I was on holiday. Which was amazing, thank you for asking - you Americans are lucky getting to live somewhere so sunny all the time. As always I would love if you could review; knowing people like my stories is pretty much what keeps me writing. And no fear, I'll update soon.**


	8. Chapter 8

**Hmmm, so you know how I said I would update soon… well I'm so very, completely, utterly sorry about that. And I know, I know, I must not tell lies. The writer's block got me. Forgive me? **

**Disclaimer – For the last time I do not own Bleach! If I did I would make Hitsugaya invest in some platform shoes or something **

Byakuya fainted. Can you really blame him? It had been an extremely long, tiring day, and having his naked body plastered across the entire office, in front of his fellow peers and underlings, was really the icing on the cake. And as every single head in the office turned to stare at him, Byakuya decided that escaping reality for a bit may not be the worst thing in the world. As his elegant body folded like a cheap hooker who got hit in the stomach by a fat guy with sores on his face*, the clear protective barrier exploded, coating everyone in the office with a transparent gloopy plasma, reminiscent of snot (or the river of slime in Ghostbuster's II).

'What the hell is this shit?'

'My hair! My beautiful hair! Oh my God! My beauty is compromised! Abort! ABORT!'

'Wheeee cue ball got covered in snot, let me wash it off, BWAHAHAHA'

'Get away from me you brat! Is that your _spit?'_

And that was just the reaction from the 11th Company.

People ran around, arms flailing insanely in the air; a group of at least ten men and women were leaning on every available surface, breathing heavily and cheeks flushed at the image of Byakuya naked (Renji collapsed from blood loss as the entire 9 pints in his tall body seemingly poured out in the mother of all nosebleeds). It was chaos. The last time there had been this much noise and broken fists in the Seireitei was when the new Twilight film came out. Something had to be done.

Then it was. Yamamoto unleashed his zanpakutō (no innuendo intended) and flames filled the office. The once pristine wallpaper peeled at the edges and a beautiful orange glow filled the room, the flames dancing playfully in the stifling air. All the Shinigami (even those who had fainted) managed to make their way out of the room – no doubt helped by the numerous fire exits that had been newly created. In the cool afternoon breeze people could finally breathe again, and slowly all the foggy Soul Reaper brains began to clear. And they found they were not saying their innermost thoughts – a relief I'm sure. Whoops of euphoria filled the air, not without the occasional curse word every now and again. Sake was poured, clothes were removed and tears were shed. Particularly by Mayuri, who knelt on the floor crying as Nemu tentatively stroked his gelled hair.

'My research subject! He's gone!'

Rangiku whipped her hair back (and forth) – her Captain! Crap! She forgot about him again! She was the _worst _Lieutenant in the world. Pushing her way through the bustling crowds, she ran towards Byakuya's no-longer-an-office thing. Her captain was curled back into the fetal position, and luckily it seemed like his survival instinct had kicked in; whilst the fire still raged on, his body was covered in a thick icy shell. Wrapping her arms around him, she lifted up the snowball and carried it outside, making sure to put him down out of Mayuri's viewpoint. Now Rangiku was pretty smart – not quite on the level of Urahara and the others, but even she knew that she had to defrost him – can Shinigami get hyperthermia? Apparently they can get tuberculosis so let's assume so. She had several options; she could run inside and grab some flaming wood, then try and warm him up… but there was the possibility she could burn him, and besides, she didn't want to mess up her hair. She could run and grab some blankets for him, or maybe some tinfoil? That is what they use on humans right? But then she would have to leave him alone, at the mercy of Mayuri… There was no other way. Grabbing Toshiro firmly, she wedged him inside her cleavage, and then proceeded to do a forced motorboat – shaking him frantically from side to side in order to create friction and warm him up.

And that was the first thing Toshiro saw when he woke up. His first thought was 'WHAT THE HELL?' followed promptly with the realization that he was going to die of asphyxiation (suffocation) if he didn't get out soon. Yanking back in panic he ended up sprawled on the ground, panting for breath and hair mussed up adorably. Apart from looking thoroughly shocked, he seemed to have reverted to having rational thought – if being ridiculously angry counted as rational thought. Rangiku's initial glee shrunk, and she slowly started backing away, realizing that her Captain probably wouldn't be too happy about her unorthodox way of awaking him. But that wasn't really why her Toshiro was furious – he was far too used to Rangiku's breasts. No, he was remembering her dream, in which he was dressed as a bunny. Reaching for his zanpakutō, he started crawling towards Rangiku, not being very dignified but being scary enough that Matsumoto didn't care. His eyebrows furrowed heavily, he stood up and swung his sword to his side, ready to chop off several appendages, probably starting with the breasts. However before he had the chance, he was punched in the face by the most unlikely of people – and in fact, the one who had suffered the most at the hands of his adventure.

Byakuya, shaking with barely controlled anger, moved his closed fist back to his side. He was the most elegant, poised, emotionally withdrawn Shinigami in the entire Seireitei, and even he could not face what had happened to him today. His hair was everywhere, Kenseikan long gone, shihakusho torn, eyebrows burnt off, and he was humiliated beyond belief. Turning his back on the short Captain, he walked slowly towards his division, completely bypassing his ruined office and heading straight to his mansion, ready for a long bath and years of therapy. Toshiro lay on the ground, nose bleeding, shocked at the normally composed Kuchiki attempting to break his face – and also trying to adapt to the recently returned image of him being Zeus.

Around him fistfights started in earnest, the only happy person being Mayuri, who was thoroughly pleased with how his experiment had turned out. Oh, people would be talking about this for years alright.

**Okay, so this is a ridiculously short chapter, but like I said, writers block! Plus I have been extremely busy… yeah sorry lame excuses. It's kind of a crappy way to finish it all off, but I didn't want to just leave it there without an ending, so there you go. Think of it as a Christmas present, from me to you. In return you could maybe leave me a review..? You know - Christmas spirit and all that jazz.**

**Thank you for reading, and congrats on finishing this hefty beast of a story, you, my friend, have will power.**

***Oh, and if you got the friends reference, take 20 points for Slytherin**


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